Reliable Guarantee for Total Satisfaction

The “Blame Pat” Guarantee

We are so confident that our music won’t make you regret having ears that we’ve put Pat’s entire livelihood on the line. If our performance doesn’t leave you at least moderately satisfied (or at least not actively checking your watch every four seconds), we offer a lightning-fast, zero-drama refund of Pat’s pay.

• Industry Leading: This high-stakes Satisfaction Policy was masterminded by Phil to ensure your total peace of mind. He figured that since Pat is usually the one hitting the “experimental” notes anyway, he should be the one to pay for them.
• Zero-Hassle Resolution: No complicated forms, no awkward interrogations, and no hurt feelings (except for Pat’s).  We handle the paperwork so you can get back to enjoying the sweet, sweet sound of silence.
• The “Tips for Pat” Jar: In the event of a refund, we are required to place a small jar labeled “Pat’s Guitar Bar Tab” in front of him on stage.  Feel free to contribute if you start feeling guilty about Pat’s forfeited wages. (Phil will not be contributing)

---

Not so Legal Disclaimer:

By accepting this Warranty Disclaimer, the client acknowledges that musical “satisfaction” is subjective and that Phil’s definition of a “good note” may differ significantly from your definition. This guarantee covers auditory distress only; we are not liable for spontaneous dance-floor injuries, rhythm-induced vertigo, or Pat’s subsequent inability to pay his bar tab. Side effects of our performance may include uncontrollable urges to binge-watch better bands or a sudden appreciation for elevator music. Any attempt to refund more than Pat’s share will result in a midnight call from our legal representation (who is also Phil’s Mom).